When I think back to my earliest memory, it's eating slices of Kraft yellow American cheese at my grandmother's house while getting ready for my aunt and uncle's wedding. Weird, I know. I was about 4 years old.
Hubs said something to me the other day that really resonated with me. We were playing with PhotoBooth on my iMac and CRACKING UP because all our faces were ridiculous and hilarious. And Ky and Ariana were laughing, too even though they didn't know why. And all of a sudden he stops and goes, "isn't it crazy that they will never remember any of this?" And to be honest, it made me sort of sad.
I would like to think that I'll remember all these little details of their childhood: Ky's favorite (and least favorite) foods... the little faces they make at me.. the sound of Ariana's coos when she wakes up in the morning... the way their clothes snug and cuddle their little bodies. Obviously there are a bazillion pictures to help document their childhood... but it's more than that. I want them to be happy everyday. I want them to feel loved and satisfied and cared for. I want them to feel like they have everything in the world they could possibly need. And I want all that for them, even though they won't remember they ever felt that way.
I guess that's where the phrase "living in the moment" comes from. Because sometimes, as hard as you try, you can't and won't remember certain details. Some days, I'm so hell bent on just surviving, that I forget to savor my own memories... little things like, how good that long, hot shower felt, a random hug and nuzzle from Ky, every tasty bite of a delicious lunch, or an extra long kiss from Hubs one evening when he gets home from work. I know these moments happen... but memorizing that feeling slips by me.
I hope to be better about that. To live in the moment, but also remember that moment. Take snapshots with my mind and not just my phone. Random details and not just the highlights. Good days and bad. Feelings and emotions. The laughter and the tears. Every second I can soak up. Because I want to remember it for me and for them. So that one day, they'll know they felt all those feelings. Even if they can't remember why.